“If I Go”
I decided to start off with my most recent song on the EP. I wrote this in September after returning from numerous trips home to Canada. 2010 has been a year of sorrow in my family; the unexpected loss of my Oma New Years Eve and the tragic loss of my Aunt in a car accident in July, thus closed the chapter of my mom’s family.
Being home for the memorial service reunited people we hadn’t seen in over 10 years. Isn’t it unfortunate that it often takes a funeral to bring people together? Life just seems to get in the way otherwise…
Running into all these faces from a far away past reminded me of my mom, my childhood, and so many things that had been pushed into the recesses of my mind. Ruminating over these ideas as I returned to the US brought me to a place where I thought through what it must have been like for my mom to say goodbye to her two daughters. That she missed my high school graduation by a year; missed seeing me off to college; and how much I knew she loved me even though she wasn’t part of those moments in my life. Turning 32 this summer made me realize that 47 (the age my mom passed away) really isn’t that “old.” In all my years, love has eluded me, and I considered what it might be like to “go” before love ever found me.
It was all these “thoughts,” that turned into prose when I sat down with my guitar one day trying to sort through the events of this year and I wrote this song; imagining when my mom would push my hair out off my face, kiss me on the cheek and tell me she loved me.
“If I go” has an upbeat melody that doesn’t match it’s somber discourse, but it is a wonderful reminder to me that even though the years have come and gone, my mom always loved me.